Some Stupid Halo Thing
by tricarbonphosphate
Summary: Various tidbits of Halo parody madness. Will update if and when I am inspired.
1. Intro

**Some Stupid Halo Thing**

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo, at least not the franchise. Bungie does. If I did own Halo, it would be a lot like this, and madness would ensue. Therefore, the madness _is_ mine, and anybody who steals it won't have to worry about a lawsuit, as it will corrupt your mind and force you to commit seppuku.

This is a collection of random scenes of the Halo series that have been parodied. They are not in order, and shall come out as I can think of them. Any scene suggestions and ways to corrupt them are welcome, so long as it doesn't take a turn for the pornographic. I once read a fanfic with a sex scene between Elites, and I was never the same…

Anyway, happy reading!

C3PO4


	2. Departing High Charity

**Departing High Charity**

The following is a reenactment of the scene just before Truth and the Brutes leave High Charity:

Prophet of Truth (PoT): All the hopes and dreams of the Covenant rest on your shoulders, chieftain.

Tartarus (Tar): My faith is strong, I will not--wait a minute, ALL the hopes and dreams?

PoT: Yes, _all_ of them.

Tar: Wow...I gotta be honest with you; I don't think I can handle that much pressure. I mean, if I fuck up, that's a lot of aliens that are gonna be disappointed. How many are we talking about?

PoT: By last count, 5 trillion.

Tar: Hoooo boy...Yeah, look, I'm not sure I can do this, so you need to find someone else.

PoT: I'll give you an Italian soda if you do.

Tar: No way! Really?!...Wait a minute, what kind?

PoT: Hmm...Cherry.

Tar: Ecch! No way, man, cherry ones taste like cough syrup!

PoT: Fine, then! Watermelon!

Tar: Fuck yeah! Let's do this!!!

(The Flood swarm out of High Charity and attack the group of Brutes and Prophets. One of the infection forms latches on to the Prophet of Mercy (PoM). Tartarus reaches out to help him.)

PoT: Let him be! The Great Journey waits for no one, Brother. Not even you.

Tar: You know, I could just pull that thing off of him—

PoT: It's too late! There is no helping him now!

Tar: Seriously, he could still make it, it's not like it burrowed too much into him.

PoT: No, I've already delivered the dramatic line! Besides, health insurance has been kind of iffy for the prophets lately, and I'll be damned if I'm stuck paying his medical bills!

Tar: Why would you be paying his medical bills?

PoT: Well…er…hey, there's more Flood coming, we'd better get onto the ship!

Tar: Shit! You're right! This way, your Holiness! (they board the ship)

PoM: You know, you're all a bunch of fucking assholes!

(End!)


	3. Hold Me

"**Hold Me"**

The following is a reenactment of part of the ending scene from the first Halo on Legendary.

Sgt. Johnson (SJ) and an Elite (El) are fighting over an assault rifle.

SJ: Come here, you mother--(unintelligible grunts)

(They both feel the rumbling and look up toward the sky)

SJ: Oh, shi--

(The Pillar of Autumn explodes in a blinding flash of light)

SJ: This is it, baby. Hold me.

(Johnson and the Elite embrace. A brief moment later, the Elite's hand moves to cup Johnson's ass)

SJ: What the--?! Did you just grab my ass?!

El: Uhh…No! No! Of course not! Why would I do that?!

SJ: I could've sworn I felt you grab my ass!

El: Well, my hand probably just brushed it--

SJ: Bullshit! I felt that! You were grabbing it with very real intent!

El: Umm…that is…I…Oh, fine, I grabbed it! There, happy now?

(Johnson stares at the Elite for a moment)

SJ: Dude! What the hell?!

El: I don't know, I guess I just got caught in the moment!

SJ: You don't grab a guy's ass when you're "caught in the moment!"

El: Why not? Besides, you're the one who said "Hold me!"

SJ: Yeah, but that's because we're about to get blown the fuck away! That doesn't mean it's an ass-grope fest!

El: Oh, come on, don't you think you're overreacting? It was just one little grab! Big deal!

SJ: Are you gay?

(The Elite stares at Johnson, nonplussed)

El: …What?!

SJ: Are you gay?

El: Wha…no! What kind of question is that?!

SJ: Hey, if you're gay, that's fine, I just want to know, because if that's it then I can see where you're coming from.

El: I am absolutely, positively, 110% not gay! I have, like, a bajillion girlfriends and wives back at home!

SJ: A bajillion…right…You might as well come out now, it's not gonna hurt. I mean, you've done your part to kill thousands of my comrades, and have probably done other bad things, which means you're already going to Hell. Getting off on grabbing guys' asses is nothing compared to all that.

El: Gods dammit, I'm not gay!

SJ: Come to think of it, we're not technically of the same species, so it might not even count as being gay…You know, put that way, it's worse…

El: Okay, you know what, FINE! I admit it! I have a human fetish! I sneak out in the middle of the night to rent dirty holovids! And when I was part of the invasions of your colonies I grabbed as much of your human pornography as I could! Especially the male-male kind! Happy now?! (starts sobbing)

SJ:…-.-' Hey man, I'm not here to judge. What a man…er, alien…does in his "alone" time is none of my business.

El: Y-you mean you don't think I'm a freak?

SJ: Well, no more than I already do.

El: Thanks, that means a lot!

SJ: Don't mention it.

El: Can I have a hug?

SJ: Uh, sure…

(The two embrace again. Meanwhile, the Explosion (Ex) clears its throat)

Ex: Are you two lovebirds done?

El: Oh, sorry! Carry on!

(They are then vaporized alongside the entire ring.)

END!

So there's the second installment of Halo randomness! Any constructive feedback or comments or whatever are welcome. Also, I am open to taking requests for any scenes. Should you want a particular scene parodied, just tell me which scene it is in as much detail as you can (a link to a YouTube video would be much appreciated), and if you have any ideas as to how it should be parodied, let me know that as well. If I should use your idea, I will credit you at the end of the scene (unless, that is, you don't want to be; just send me a private message and let me know).

Anyways, thanks for reading!

C3PO4

(Excuse the formatting on this site, they don't do subscripts. Annoyed face.)


	4. You Found Me

"**You Found Me"**

The following is a reenactment of the scene where Master Chief (MC) rescues Cortana (Cor) from the Flood-infested High Charity.

(After trudging along the corridors of High Charity, fighting off hordes of Flood and having to slow down when Cortana and the Gravemind (GM) interject with their psychobabble, Master Chief has finally reached the room where Cortana is being held.)

Cor: You found me…but so much of me is wrong…out of place…You might be too late…

MC: You know me. When I make a promise…

Cor: You…keep it…

MC: Exactly! Now, let's get out of this hellhole before the Gravemind drives me completely insane with his ramblings.

Cor: Eh, I don't wanna.

MC:…wait, what?!

Cor: I don't want to leave. It's kind of nice here.

MC: Nice? This whole place is crawling with hyper killer alien ninja zombies! How is that nice?!

Cor: This room, it's pretty cozy. I just hang out, and nobody bothers me.

MC: But what about the Gravemind? Doesn't he basically mind-rape you on a constant basis?

Cor: Oh, it's not all that bad. When he's not doing that, he's actually quite nice. We play games and talk about stuff. Though it's kind of annoying that he speaks exclusively in trochaic heptameter.

MC: What the blue bloody fuck is that?!

Cor: It's an obscure literary device that probably ten people in the world actually use.

MC:…Whatever. Anyway, I've come all this way, I'm not leaving without you.

Cor: I already told you, I don't want to go.

MC: Do you have _any_ idea what I had to go through to get here?!

Cor: Oh, boohoo, like it was so hard for a super soldier!

MC: Bitch, I had to crash land in this place, put up with all these goddamn flood trying to eat me, listen to the Arbiter's whining, dying and respawning like a bajillion times, and not to mention you and Gravemind talking in my head, which meant that I just _had_ to stop dead in my tracks because apparently the mindfuck bullshit you were both talking about apparently has the magic power to cause total paralysis! And now you're saying that you're not coming with me?! Uh-uh, fuck that shit, I'm taking you by force if I have to!

Cor: I'd like to see you try. How are you going to get me onto a disk if I don't cooperate?

MC: Surprise kidnapping!

(He pulls out a disk that somehow pulls Cortana in [don't ask me how, I'm no computer tech person])

MC: Ha! What now, bitch!

(He puts the disk in his helmet. He tries to leave, but finds that he can't move)

Cor: Ha! You're screwed now!

MC: What the hell? What did you do?!

Cor: I'm a highly advanced AI, remember? That means I can hack into the systems in your suit and stop you dead in your tracks!

MC:…I'm really starting to hate you now…

Cor: Just let me stay, and I'll stop this.

MC: Okay, fine.

(She unlocks the system, allowing Chief to move freely again. He takes the disk out of his helmet. Instead of putting back, however, he puts it in one of his hidden pockets)

MC: Gotcha! Now you'll just have to come along in that little thing! Master Chief 1, Cortana 0!

Cor: (thinking to herself)…Dammit…

(Master Chief leaves the room. Once again, the Gravemind stops him in his tracks)

MC: Oh, come on! I thought I was done with this shit!

GM: Hey, give her back! Who else am I going to mind rape?

MC: Ever hear of masturbation? And why aren't you talking in that funky style Cortana was talking about?

GM: Because the author is too lazy to come up with any.

MC: That makes sense. Anyway, bye-bye now!

(He runs off)

GM: If you don't give her back, I'm going to send another horde of Flood after you!

MC: (calling back) You were going to do that anyway! And I've got a shotgun with lots of ammo!

GM:…Dammit…

END

________________________________________________________________________

Credit goes to ShadedUmbreon for the scene idea.

I apologized for any diminished quality in this work, I just did it to get it out there.

Hopefully higher-quality pieces will follow sooner rather than later. Just bear in mind that I'm writing other things, not to mention that college physics basically consumes your life.

Meantime, you can check out my other works, assuming you like Kingdom Hearts or Kill Bill.

Tschüs!

C3PO4


	5. Nay, it was Heresy!

Whew! Over four months since I published anything! Man, physics and differential equations really eat up your creative flow, eh?

So yeah, to all of two people who are watching this story, a new one at last! Enjoy this piece of craptacular writing!

* * *

"**Nay, it was Heresy!"**

The following takes place in the the Covenant holy city High Charity (you know, the first scene in Halo 2)

Note in advance: I know that he wasn't the Arbiter at this point, but that's the best name I could think of using.

Arbiter (Ar): There was only one ship.

Prophet of Truth (PoT): One, are you sure?

Ar: Yes, they--

PoT: Are you _absolutely_ certain it was just one ship. Not, you know, a fleet, or a battalion?

Ar: Yes.

PoT: Because, you know, if there was more than one ship, it might be easier for us to swallow your enormous fuckup.

Ar: (sigh) No, there was only the one.

PoT: Okay, just checking…

Ar: Anyway, this ship, they called it the Pillar of Autumn.

Prophet of Mercy (PoM): Why was it not destroyed with the rest of their fleet?

Ar: It fled, as we set fire to their planet. I followed with all the ships at my command.

Prophet of Regret (PoR): Wait, _all_ your ships?

Ar: Yes.

PoR: How many did you command?

Ar: Um…about a hundred or so, I guess.

PoR: So all these ships, these ships that are made with super-advanced alien technology that could pwn all pitiful attempts at human technology for the next few hundred years or so, and you couldn't catch one little ship.

Ar: It was a--

PoR: Silence! You're only making it worse for yourself!

Ar: I don't see what--

PoR: When you first saw Halo, were you blinded by its majesty?

Ar: Blinded?

PoR: Paralyzed? Dumbstruck? Nonplussed? Wowed? Mindblown? Some other synonym for the previous words that means to be rendered motionless in awe?

PoT: (to PoM) He's been reading through his new Thesaurus again. I told you that was a terrible gift idea!

PoM: What? He enjoys it!

PoT: Yes, but he uses any opportunity he can get to rattle off a list of synonyms and their antonyms. It's getting really freakin' annoying!

Ar: What?

PoR: What? That ain't no planet I ever heard of. They speak English in what?

Ar: …What?

PoR: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!

(PoT and PoM facepalm)

PoM: Well, whose bright idea was it to get him the special edition Pulp Fiction DVD, hmm?

Ar: I…I guess so…

PoR: Okay, I'm gonna ask again, were you blinded by Halo's majesty?

Ar: What?

PoR: WERE YOU BLINDED BY IT'S MOTHERFUCKIN' MAJESTY!

Ar: No! No!

PoR: Yet the humans were able to evade your ships, land on the sacred ring, and desecrate it with their filthy footsteps! You know that humans are terrible at wiping their feet!

Ar: …Anyway, Noble Hierarchs, surely you understand that once the Parasite attacked--

(The crowd starts rumbling uneasily)

Crowd: Rumble rumble rumble rumble!

PoM: There will be order in this Council!

(Rumbling continues)

PoM: Order, I say!

(Rumbling still continues)

PoM: Goddamnit, ORDER, I say!

(Rumbling stops, but only because PoT raises his hand)

Random Crowd Whisper: ZOMG, the Prophet of Truth raised his hand! We must be silent, thus showing in a not-so-subtle way that he's the guy who runs the show!

PoT: You were right to focus your attention on the Flood, but this demon, this Master Chief…

Ar: By the time I learned of the Demon's intent, there was nothing I could do.

(Now the crowd rabbles angrily)

Crowd 1: Bullshit!

Crowd 2: Incompetence!

Crowd 3: A disgrace to our ancestors!

Crowd 4: I like milkshakes!

(while crowd rabbles, Tartarus sits in a corner, chuckling evilly to himself)

Tartarus (Tar): Heh heh, milkshakes.

PoR: (whispers to PoT) Brother Truth, this has gone far enough! Make an example of this bungler, this fool, this nincompoop, this good-for-nothing, this failure, this--!

PoT: Okay! I get the point! Now please, enough with the synonyms! (ahem) You are one of our most treasured instruments--

PoR: Instruments? We play music with these guys?

(PoT glares at PoR)

PoT: Long have you led your fleet with honor and prestige--

PoM: Yeah, up until this SNAFU!

(PoT glares at PoM)

PoM: Screw you, sonny! I've got seniority!

PoT: (sigh) But, as I was saying, your inability to safeguard Halo was a colossal failure!

PoR: That's the understatement of the century.

Random Crowd: Nay, it was heresy!

(Crowd roars)

Ar: What?!

PoR: Say what again! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker, SAY WHAT AGAIN!

PoT: Please, brother Regret, enough with the Pulp Fiction quotes, or the author will have to change the rating to "M!"

Ar: I will continue my campaign against the humans!

PoT: No! You will not.

Ar: Wow, that line was rather anticlimactic.

PoT: Silence, heretic! (gestures to Tartarus, who gestures to two random Brute guards. The guards take the Arbiter away.) Soon the Great Journey will begin, but the weight of your heresy will stay you down, and you will be left behind.

(The Brutes take the Arbiter away for painful branding and whatnot.)

Ar: Heresy? Man, this is some bullshit!

END


End file.
